Monday, May 7, 2012

Me, myself and I

I am laughing at myself in alot of ways because I know it has been a few weeks since my first (and only) post. The reason? Fear. I wrote my first post, not that there was so much divulged about me, but it was still enough for me to retreat into just keeping everything in my head and my heart instead of writing. I. Love. To. Write. But at the same time, I hate it because when I write, that is when I have no inhibitions and write things that might be hard for me to see on paper, in my own writing!
I don't plan on what to write, I just do, and that is what I am doing now. I don't want to be rude, but I do want to be honest with myself and whoever may read this; I am at a place right now where writing is purely cathartic for me, I am not doing this for any other reason but to help myself and others who may not have the same platform as I.
The main thing on my mind and heart right now is relationships, of every kind starting with my relationship with myself. With our impending move to DC this summer (Woot, woot!) I have seen all of my relationships in a different light. It has been a growing experience because in many ways I am a people pleaser, but I cannot be and do that anymore. I am now in healing mode, if I want God to use me to my full capacity, I need to take my healing seriously and be fit for the race that is ahead.
Heal-ing adj. 1. curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal. 2. growing sound; getting well; mending.
I always used the word but never deemed myself worthy of it. When I was in high school, I ran track, when I got hurt, I would have to sit out of my races and support my team, but I also had to go to physical therapy so that I can heal properly. And I did that, because I wanted run again, be an asset to the team. So I have been thinking to myself, why have I not done that emotionally? Having been the survivor of sexual assaults and sickness, I never ever sat out. I kept it moving because I thought that would dissipate my pain or better yet, people would think "Wow, look how strong she is!" What that was doing was putting my subconscious in a place of self loathing and self disrespect, which ultimately disrespected my Creator.
Time does NOT heal all wounds! It causes infection that can result in loss of function, grow into a larger more chronic state or death entirely. I was thinking that me glazing over my hurt would be beneficial to me and to those around me, but it wasn't. My pain had the best of me and everyone else was having the rest. I almost prided myself in the fact that unless we were very close, I could be having the worst day of my life and you would never know. I would be transparent enough for you to think I was doing great but keep alot to myself. So what changed that? Crucial,  in my face ,"I love you no matter what" relationships. I never experienced that outside of my marriage and certain family members, but thank God that I have that now, God is love.